STATEN ISLAND (PIX11) — Gwen Carr tried her very best to be upbeat.
She was at home with family and friends, reminiscing over old pictures and momentos.
But she cant help but feel uneasy. Any day now, she’ll learn if a police officer will be indicted in the death of her son, Eric Garner.
"I have mixed emotions ... of course I'm anxious about the grand jury's decision. We are in limbo. We don't know whats going to happen or when it's going to happen, were in the dark as much as you are," Carr told PIX11.
Nearly 5 months since his death on a Staten Island street, and Carr is still shaken by the way Garner spent his final moments.
"They treated him like an animal, they treated him worse than an animal," Carr said. "They left him out in that hot sun to die, they killed him and then EMS showed no mercy."
While Carr hopes the video of Garner’s encounter with police will persuade a grand jury to indict officer Daniel Pantaleo, that video is also what bothers her the most.
"It was just too heartbreaking too emotional for me to even look at the whole video and every time I see it or hear it I just want to cut it off. I cant bear to hear my son begging for his life anymore."
Carr has been flooded with notes, phone calls, and even artwork in memory of her son.
"I know from wherever he is, he knows his death was not in vain and that it is making a statement."
Speaking at the Rev. Al Sharpton's National Action Network's Harlem headquarters Saturday, Gwen Carr said she didn't want demonstrators to set fires.
But now this mother is focused on what she believes is justice and Carr has a message for all New Yorkers.
"I wouldn't want them to tear up the town but you know that has to stop ... they cant go on killing our sons, our fathers, our brothers of color and getting away with it," she said.
Earlier Tuesday, Carr said she does not want protesters to set fires, and destroy property like what happened in Ferguson, Missouri after a grand jury decided to not indict Officer Darren Wilson in the shooting death of Michael Brown.
"They have to be held accountable one way or the other and even if its not an indictment, if the decision comes down and its not in our favor, we are still going to fight this fight."
“Tuesday evening, the Garner family was spotted outside the Staten Island District Attorney's office.
It is unclear if the family was meeting with the DA.”